Principle #3 – The paradox of choice

FOMO is real and pervasive and it has existed since we decided that it would be a good idea to choose for ourselves what is right and wrong, what is good and evil.

There are so many decisions to make in life. How do you decide what to do? How do you feel happy with your decision, not knowing how you would have felt if you had picked something else?

Freedom of choice isn’t really freedom when it comes with slavery to anxiety, comparison, and disappointment.

The first step towards the solution is agency not autonomy. “Real agency only arises in the context of submission to things you did not make yourself (Matthew Crawford).” Submission to an objective standard of truth; submission to the determination of right and wrong, good and evil, by the creator not the created.

Principle #2 – Love is not just a feeling

…if your definition of “love” stresses affectionate feelings more than unselfish actions, you will cripple your ability to maintain and grow strong love relationships. On the other hand, if you stress the action of love over the feeling, you enhance and establish the feeling. That is one of the secrets of living life… Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

Principle #1 – Design your algorithm

Everyone has an internal algorithm which sorts and interprets everything in their lives. Stick with me here… Let’s first define our metaphor: the traditional understanding of an algorithm is (more or less) a set of instructions and processes which are applied to an input resulting in an output (and is mostly used when in reference to math or computer-y things).

This huge, complex, multifaceted internal algorithm is used to understand and interpret everything that a person may encounter in life, whether it be a problem faced, a new bit of information received, every interaction with others, or with nature, and even how they understand themselves. The resulting outputs of this internal algorithm are the things that are believed, the decisions made, and the actions taken (or not).

The concept of this human algorithm is kind of fuzzy, but work through it, and I think you’ll start to get the picture. The algorithm itself is made up of a number of principles: fundamental truths, rules of reasoning, and mental models. I don’t believe this is a novel concept; I have a good friend and mentor who always used to say “Get a grid!”, and I have heard it described as a ‘semantic tree,’ other metaphors that might be helpful. This human algorithm is the basis of forming one’s worldview and self-identity.

Whether aware of it or not, this algorithm is functioning (though not necessarily well) in everyone and greatly impacts the course of their lives. The most important thing to understand is that you must take an active role in designing your algorithm. Seriously. Everything depends on it.

Why?

Good question… I’m sure that I don’t have all of the answers. But that won’t stop me from taking a shot.

A while ago, I started writing down some things that I’ve learned or am learning which I want to pass along to my boys, I’m now calling these things ‘principles.’ By writing down these principles, I’ve found that it keeps them closer to the forefront my mind, and as we all know, it is difficult to teach something that you don’t remember. As a brief aside (yeah, I realize that a rabbit trail this early in the game does not bode well for clear and well focused writing, but if that’s what you’re after, this might not be your jam), if you know me at all, you’ll likely know that I can form some strong opinions, and while many of them are objectively defensible, some are less so (examples: I really despise straws, I really like using parenthetical expression).

Next up: recently I’ve taken up reading books on a more frequent basis, novel, right? (Can’t believe I already dropped a pun on day 1) Anyway, I’m finding that when I read a really good book, the best way for me to retain the good stuff is to tell others about it, and when I don’t, I forget. Solution: gather my highlights and notes and summaries and thoughts here, and maybe they will be of some usefulness to someone else.

What else? Well, it is easy to get caught up in the chaos, exhaustion, and busyness of kids, that the prospect of having adventures (defined by me as: doing things out of the ordinary) is pretty daunting. I don’t want that to stop me. I plan to capture the good and the bad of each adventure, maybe it will make it easier on you and me in the future.

I think I could keep going, but here’s the answer in summary: I want to be a good husband, dad, and human, but that doesn’t come naturally to me. Instead it requires thoughtfulness, intentionality, reflection, and lots of grace. I’m going to write down what I’m doing and learning to aid in the progress and to keep track of some memories. I invite you to follow along and join the pursuit as well.   

Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours...”

C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

-Q